parent with love – Roberta Writes

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Over the last few years I have occasionally had a frustrating and threatening dream. It is always different but the theme is the same. I find myself in a dark unknown place trying to find my way. Usually I have one or all the kids with me, and I am trying to stumble through the dark and find safety.

It isn’t a dream that leaves me wondering. I know exactly what I am worried about when I wake. The world is so frightening and so out of control that I feel the weight of leading our family through the darkness. My dream is an outcropping of worries that often don’t even reach my conscious mind.

As I review this dream and think over my concerns, I remember that I am not responsible to be the one finding my way. I just have to keep my eye on the shepherd. I just have to feel His presence. I don’t have to know where I am going or where He leads. I do not need to fear. I must rely on Him.

John 8: 12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Learning to give

When my kids were little, I had an epiphany. There were many moms that I knew who were skeptical of Christmas and over-giving to their children. It is an honest and reasonable concern. Our society is blessed with an abundance of ‘stuff.’ It can feel excessive. Particularly when comparing it to the poverty we see in other parts of the world. Many people I knew were giving gifts of donations to other causes, or even asking others to donate in their child’s name. I didn’t like this and I couldn’t put my finger on the reason why.

We never spent a lot at Christmas. Our financial situation always ensured that we were unable to ‘spoil’ our children. I did, however, get great joy in selecting gifts I thought they would enjoy. I planned ahead to make our small budget go as far as possible. Some years I couldn’t sleep on Christmas eve, I was so excited to see how they would react.

Our children were always excited and happy with their gifts. We shared great joy as a family. It was after one of these mornings that the reason I didn’t like the over reaction to our materialism. We need to learn the joy of receiving before we can learn the joy of giving. If I had not experienced the joy of a perfect gift, then I wouldn’t enjoy the act of giving to my own children. I never felt any guilt in wanting to make my children happy. And I certainly didn’t want them to feel bad because they received something they would enjoy.

Matthew 7: 11 – 12 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you,
for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Turning a page

I am fifty today. I’m half way to one hundred. I always intended to have a big party today to celebrate this great achievement. But, frankly it doesn’t feel any different than any other day and I actually have no interest in celebrating. Why? Oh who knows. These days are so strange that, well, it’s hard to think of celebrating over something so arbitrary as a date!

It has caused me to reflect on my life. I’m shocked at how little I have accomplished. I’m dismayed by the mistakes I have made and the people I’ve hurt. My list of sins is pretty long.

Why do we remember the negative things so clearly?

Maybe it’s because the “good” things we do are often cumulative. We get up every day and slog out the house and provide for our families. We work every moment to teach and help our children to grow and learn. There is nothing glamorous in this. And yet, when taken at a distance it can be truly heroic. The bad stuff tends to happen in capsules, moments of time that we can quickly pull out and remember.

So today, I’m determined to continue to show my husband respect. I will continue to try give my children wise council. I hope to find a way to love my neighbour. And most of all I will remember whom I serve.

Colossians 3: 23-24 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working
for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Mother’s day

We need ideals. We need something to aim at. Of course having down-to-earth and encouraging relationships is important too, but we need something to look at, something to follow. Like a star guiding a sailor home to port. A guiding light in the dark.

Happy Mother’s Day to my own mother and to all the women who have guided me through the darkness of life. You are more precious than rubies to me.

Proverbs 31: 10-31
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Keeping a record

My youngest often asks me to rate her and her siblings at various tasks. “Mom, who is the best at doing the dishes?” or “Mom, am I better at this than the other kids?” I think it’s her way of differentiating herself, of finding her own identity as the last in the family. There are things that she is good at doing and I don’t mind praising her when she does something well.

The other night she asked me one of these comparison questions and I replied, “I don’t want to keep score. I don’t want to be compiling a list of things that each of you do well and poorly. I just want to recognize when you do something well and that’s it.”

She understood what I was saying and figured it made sense.

Of course after we had the conversation a scripture came to mind, a small verse, but so on the mark that it rang in my mind.

I Corinthians 13: 5 It [love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Who among us

My oldest daughter is reading a book about a World War II spy. So naturally this dominates her conversation. At supper last night she asked, “Which of us in our family would make the best spy?”

I suggested that Dad before his stroke would have made a good spy; quiet, reflective, incredibly observant, and strong. But I said, “But not since his stroke.” Wes stuck his tongue out at me. He does that now since his stroke. “Because of that,” I added.

“He’d tell someone now,” said my oldest. We all laughed, and Dad stuck his tongue out at the kids too.

There was much discussion among the kids. All their spy like qualities and their fatal flaws. Finally, they began to discuss what kind of a spy their Mother would be.

“Mom would make a terrible spy!” said my oldest. “They would send her somewhere and she would forget why she was there.” Yes, my boy. That would be the likely scenario. I had to agree.

It was great fun, and we all had a laugh at our own expense, mostly at Mom’s expense (which is fine with me). I later thought about that type of hypothetical question. The kind of child like comparison we make all the time. “Which among us is the best at this, or that?” Even Jesus had to deal with this kind of question from his disciples.

Mark 10: 35-37 Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him.
“Teacher,” they said, “we want you to do for us whatever we ask.”
“What do you want me to do for you?” he asked.
They replied, “Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.”

It always caused me to wonder why this was in the Bible text. It seems such a strange interlude. But really it is very human. We want to be important. We want to be good at something. We feel special if we are recognized. Like children we compare ourselves to others. We want to be set apart.

The reality is we are set apart. We are chosen. All we need to do is welcome His grace and we have a gift better than all the recognition, skill, and riches in the world.

The joy of parenting

I was not a “baby” mom. I didn’t really enjoy the baby stage. But when my kids hit the age of eighteen months or so, I started to hit my stride. I would say, “I enjoyed my kids before, but I really love the stage we are in now.” After a while I noticed the pattern. Each “stage” seemed better than the last.

I kept waiting for the hard years to hit. Not that there weren’t hard times. Six years of forcing my son to go to school wasn’t easy, but on the scale of problems that was not tragic. Of course we had lots of medical issues, but as that was not under my control I didn’t see it as a parenting issue.

Parenting is hard, specially if you are trying your best to do it well. We will all have difficult problems and hard days. But for the most part we were able to find joy in the moments. We have always laughed a lot as a family, and I think that helps.

As our kids age, I often feel overwhelmed by the joy they bring to our lives. To see them flex into the world, develop, and become the people God designed them to be is my great privilege. I think of parenting like gardening. You plant the seeds, you work the soil, you wait, you water, you try clear the weeds, you guide them as they grow, but for the most part you leave it up to God.

I am extremely grateful to God that he has spared us the pain of that comes with a rebellious child. I have witnessed this pain and I am keenly aware of the blessing we have been given. These three children, I mean growing teens, are our richest blessing and we are very thankful for them.

3 John 1: 4 I have no greater joy than to hear
that my children are walking in the truth.

We are loved

I see it flash across my screen. The video of a young girl, cute as a button, talking assertively to herself in the mirror. “I’m great. I’m awesome. I can do it…” OH, how super! To have such wonderful self-esteem! The video is cute. The kid is cute. I have no issue with her, but it makes me think.

When my kids were little the messages have been ‘raise your daughters to be…’ You fill in the blank. Smart, competent, interested in science – not pretty! Never pretty, girls shouldn’t be valued for their looks. They should be valued for all the other things they do. These messages just made me think.

I don’t want my children, boy or girl, to be valued for anything they do or anything they are. In the end the idea of self-esteem is tricky. Our value shouldn’t be built on who and what we are. We should not feel good about ourselves because of what we can produce or preform.

I am not worthy. I am not all I should be, I never will be. But despite that God loves me. Even with all I do wrong and all I am, he loves me. He loves me so much he sent his son to die for me. My children don’t have to ‘be’ anything excepted loved. That gives them value. Love!

I have an old wooden carving of a shepherd with a lamb across his shoulders. My Grandparents brought it for me on their return from the Holy Land. At the time I didn’t know where the Holy Land was and why they went there, but I saved that little statue. It sits on my shelf today, forty years later. It has no value. It would fetch zero at an estate auction. But I love it. It has value because I put value on it.

Next time you feel you need a boost or a pick me up stand in front of your mirror and say, “I am not worthy, but HE is. I am HIS child. He loved me so much he sent his son to die for me. I’m overwhelmed by HIS goodness.” You might be shocked at how affirming love can really be!

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”